Through the magic of High Future Technology, a connection is made and 34-year-old Me in 2011 has a few minutes to chat with 14-year-old Me in 1991. Here’s how it goes down:
2011: Hey, young me. What’s up?
1991: Nothin’. What’s up with you?
2011: Oh, not much. I’m going to see the Thor movie this weekend.
1991: What?! They made a Thor movie? Like, Marvel Thor, not mythology Thor?
1991: THAT’S SO FUCKING COOL!
2011: I know, right?
1991: What? What does “I know, right” even mean? That doesn’t make any sense.
2011: Don’t worry about it. It’s a future thing. Conversations in the future make about 40% less sense than they used to.
1991: Oh. Okay. So…wow. A Thor movie!
2011: Yeah, it’s pretty cool. I think it might even actually be kinda good.
1991: Wow. So how long has it been in the future since there was a comic book movie? Since, like, whenever Batman 7 came out?
2011: No, they’re coming out pretty regularly these days. They’re on the verge of becoming a Biblical plague.
1991: What? Like, what do you mean?
2011: Well, Thor is out today. A few weeks after that, Green Lantern is coming out…
1991: GREEN FUCKING LANTERN?! THAT IS SO FUCKING COOL!
2011: And the funny thing about that is that it looks like it’s probably kinda going to suck.
1991: What? How could a Green Lantern movie suck? It’s like Star Wars plus super-heroes!
2011: I know, right?
1991: Will you stop saying that, please?
2011: Sorry. Anyway, yeah. The whole thing looks like a giant pile of cliches and bad CGI.
1991: What’s a CGI?
2011: Oh, right, 1991. Okay, um, you know how you’ve read in Cinefantastique about how they’re doing the shapeshifter effects in Terminator 2? In the future, every movie is like that. Only often shitty. Oh, and, by the way, you’re going to love Terminator 2. I know that in May 1991, you already think it’s pretty much the best movie ever, sight unseen. The cool part about it is that you turn out to be right.
2011: I know, right?
2011: Sorry. I know it’s a stupid phrase, but it just keeps popping out. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Green Lantern. Looks kinda crappy. I think we’re going to wait until it’s on video.
1991: You’re trying to tell me that there’s a Green Lantern movie and you’re not going to the first showing on the first day it comes out?
2011: This is what I’m saying, yes.
1991: That you’re going to wait around and go rent the videotape at Blockbuster next year?
2011: Well, not exactly. The future is very, very cool in a lot of ways.
1991: Okay, so there’s two comic book movies coming out this summer? Even if one of ‘em sucks, that’s still pretty cool.
2011: Oh, I’m not done yet. About a week after that, they’re releasing the next X-Men movie, and–
1991: I’m sorry, “the next?” Did you say “the next X-Men movie?”
2011: Um, yeah.
1991: How many have there been?
2011: This is going to be the fifth one.
1991: FIVE X-Men movies? FIVE?! THAT’S SO FUCKING COOL! How awesome have they all been?
2011: Well, the first two were great. They had Patrick Stewart as Professor X, just like you – and, as it turns out, every nerd on the planet – thought they should.
2011: Yeah. Then they kept making them, and the third and fourth just sucked balls. Not quite Superman IV bad, but definitely Superman III bad.
1991: Oh. So what about the new one?
2011: Could be okay. We’re going to wait and see some reviews before we make up our mind about seeing it in the theater.
1991: There’s a Green Lantern movie and an X-Men movie, and we’re not already first in line to see them both? You are making this shit up to torment me. Are you sure you’re actually me in the future and not my brother in the future?
2011: I am definitely you. Definitely. But, anyway, here’s the good news. Are you ready for it? Brace yourself. Later in the summer, there’s also going to be a Captain America movie!
1991: What, another one?
2011: I, um…what? Another one? What do you…Oh. OH. Um, yeah, about that, I know Stan Lee wrote about how awesome it’s going to be on the Bullpen Bulletins page and everything, but…yeah, that’s never, ever going to be in theaters.
1991: Really? But I saw the poster and everything!
2011: Yeah, not gonna happen. About a year from now, you’re going to see it on video at Blockbuster, and you’re going to rent it and race home to watch it that very afternoon and…well, you really don’t need to bother. I know you’re going to anyway, but you don’t need to.
1991: But they’re making a new one?
2011: Yes they are, and it looks like it’s going to kick ass.
1991: So we’re going to see that one?
2011: Oh, yeah.
1991: Hey, you know what’d be cool?
2011: What’s that?
1991: Okay, so they made a Thor movie, right? And a Captain America movie? What if they also made, like, an Iron Man movie and then put them all together in an Avengers movie? Wouldn’t that be rad?
2011: Okay, 1, you said “rad,” so you no longer get to criticize my slang usage, and 2, The Avengers is coming out in 2012.
1991: [Head Asplodes]